Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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