he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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