Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
