I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
