obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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