He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
