I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
