tell your sister to shave her snatch
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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