he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I stole a fireplace last night.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
