I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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