WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
