woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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