Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
