We need to rekindle our bromance
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
