so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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