I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
