I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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