she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
