I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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