Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
