do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
