How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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