Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
