I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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