i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
