i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
