The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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