His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I forgot wine drunk hurts
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
