chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
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