he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
