i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
