The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
