we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
