so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
