Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
