What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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