I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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