'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
