Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
