is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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