after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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