Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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