I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
