the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
