dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
