i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
