Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
