I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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