I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
