I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
