After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
