she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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