Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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