I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
