well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
