You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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