remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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