I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
