Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
