textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
