I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
