Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
