if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
