I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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