I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
