:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
