If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
